Why?

So why the blog?

Why did I decide to start blogging? Well it all started about four years ago. I decided that my job wasn't a job that I wanted to do for life. I wanted to earn more money (don't we all) by doing something I enjoyed. I actually wrote the main parts of these posts back then, including a whole post about starting the Knowledge of London and becoming a black taxi driver in London by the age of forty. Unfortunately that milestone is fast approaching and I'm nowhere near achieving that feat! Am I disappointed? Yes massively! Is it my fault? Yes! Why? Well that is a long story of issues around mental health, distractions, sickness and laziness - in myself and others close to me.

I've learnt that I need to prioritise my life into looking after my own mental health, first and foremost. That's not to say that I put myself ahead of my family, but if I am of sound mind and body then I am of far more use to them than if I am struggling and tired. I've been through a complete breakdown which led me to take three months off work in order to improve my mental strength and way at looking at life. This included counselling, talking a lot, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and trying to make my life a bit healthier.

As a man and a very proud one at that, I've always been the strong one in the family. Always the one that will get stuff done because I'm daddy. I'm hubby. I'm the oldest son. My wife struggled with depression and I was the one that had to try and help her. I didn't have a fucking clue what I was doing! Not one bit. I thought I could solve it and make her better. Sort yourself out luv. What's laying in bed going to do? Get up, get out and get on with it. Unfortunately, that's not the answer and I couldn't get my head around that. I became very frustrated and eventually very tired because I was approaching it in the wrong way. The more pressure I was under, the more I buried my head in the sand. The more my wife needed help, the more stressed I became. The worst of this coincided with my Nan becoming very ill and I tried to take on too much by helping everyone but myself. Then I crashed and burned! Completely lost it. Cried my eyes out. Lashed out in anger. I became a person that I never ever saw myself becoming. An absolute fucking wreck. I was no good for my wife, kids or family. And that is when I got help........

What I did is for a whole post to itself. What I learnt from it is again for another post.

This all started nearly a whole year ago now.........and I am now a much more educated person for it.