You f*cking wipe it!

Something I haven't mentioned yet is the behaviour of my two children. Lily is 6 and a half and Charlie is eight and a half. Why do I need to write the half year in there? That's because they tell people about the half every time they are asked about their age! It matters to them so it matters to me.

Charlie is a very quiet child who has grown up with not much fuss, taken to learning far better than I ever did and has a nice video game bubble that he lives in. Ok so listening to him talk about bloody Yo-Kai Watch makes me want to jump off a very tall building but at least it's harmless.

Lily is the opposite. She needs the attention. Lots of it. And if she doesn't get enough, all hell breaks loose. She can be the nicest sweetest, funniest little girl but fuck me, when she's not the centre of attention, Satan enters the room and destroys everything in it's path. It's lead me to question......how do you control a six year old (fuck the half!)???  How?  In my nearly forty years on this planet, I've been in some hairy situations. But nothing compares to controlling a six year old little girl. She beats me every time.

One such time is my favourite and shall live with me forever.......

After having the usual battle to get bed time under way. Lily kicked off. Nothing major, just the normal delaying tactics of throwing things around, getting loud and shouty, stamping around the house. I eventually got her in to the bathroom to have to customary wee before bed and sat her on the toilet. I asked if she had finished which was met with a strong "YES", so I told her to wipe her bum. It was at this point that my life flashed before me and for a very small moment I saw myself sat in a prison cell doing a life sentence for murder. Her answer was "YOU FUCKING WIPE IT!"

Luckily for her, I saw the funny side and I am now indeed on the train to work rather than trying to escape Big Bad Dave in the prison shower block.

This is my battle and I shall win.......sort of!